071020040244 -

it's weird how the smallest details can change your entire perspective on things. i know that if shelly was a guy, i would be madley in love with her. i would devote my entire existance to her in every way possible and do anything she ever asked... even though that's what i do right now, but it would be different, because i would be in love with her. instead of bringing me joy and comfort, her presence would eventually bring sorrow with the stinging knowledge that she would never really love me back. however, since she is a girl, i will never have to worry about any of that. i can live the rest of my life with her friendship... the only thing that satisfies me these days. strange how such a small detail can change everything...

i looked up at the stars this morning, after i came back from her house, and i knew that i wasn't really trying. i hate myself for not being able to think clearly, but i know that if i devoted my entire life towards getting whatever it was that i had back, then i could. it's all mental anyway, right? but no, it would only end in dissappointment, because nothing will ever compare to last summer. nothing.

one year later i say that, and do you believe me now? realize that nothing really repeats itself... i will never have what i once had. i have lost it forever.