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i can't talk. i can't explain myself to you. words. fuck words. meaningless, meaningless words. it's the emotion behind the words that matters. but where there is no emotion, there are no words.

the discoveries that will be forgotten tomorrow are endless. emotion is my spark, and it starts the flame inside my brain. without feeling i cannot think, and without thinking i do not exist. i am nothing. i feed off of everyone else's random thoughts and feelings and opinions because i have none of my own. none. no emotions. no thoughts.

the only time i have fun is when i'm having a good conversation. and the only time i'm having a good conversation is when my brain is active, acting and reacting along with and to another person's brain. triggered by emotion. god dammit, fuck you emotions! the only thing i'm ever searching for and somehow, for some reason, preventing myself from acquiring. it's him, the subconscious, the male subconscious. his intentions are revealed to me for the split second before i fall asleep. he says something and then its gone, but its not him, it's me. and then we wake up and start all over again.

if i ever did exactly what i wanted to do -using the term "want" loosely -i would never do anything at all. i would never say anything to anyone about anything, laugh or join in conversation. i would never do anything because i have no desire to do anything. it's just emptiness. nothingness. hatred for the nothingness, short-lived and later to be consumed. by nothingness. words. fucking useless words. you mean nothing to me... i don't use you to think but must use you constantly in life. now. right now. they're everywhere, manifesting themselves in my brain and destroying the nothingness. in conversation i am silent because i'm trying to send you my feelings. and pictures. but not words. fuck words. fuck this.