071320040119 -

"when it is dark enough, men can see the stars"

well, fuck you emerson. what about when it is cloudy? when there are no stars to be seen? i would actually like to read walden pond sometime. a brilliant mind living alone in the woods for months... interesting. i envy him. i envy a lot of things and a lot of people, and that is a major downfall of mine. i should stop caring so much... about what others think of me, even though i know i do it because i don't know how i feel about myself. driving my sick mother through machester so i can fill out some paperwork. so useless. always seeking your approval... so hopeless. round and round in circles i go, so that i may come home to type about the first thing that comes to my mind. like something about that song on the radio, or the dew i felt between my toes walking accross your lawn at one in the morning. i have the power to prevent everything and change myself into anything i want to. so what is it that i want to prevent? pain. pain upon others. i do not mind it so much, but i hear that others do not enjoy pain as much as i do. what is it that i wish to become? i do not know. live for yourself, but what to live for? i am sick of pretending... i don't think i will anymore. i have the power to stop pretending... i have the power invested inside of me. it's there, somewhere, and maybe i'm just looking too hard. can't concentrate on all the little pieces... can't memorize them, can't make the connection. motherfucker, get out of my head. get out of my head. bad bad bad bad thoughts bad bad bad... never better. that's a lie. everytime i think of your face i want to throw up. just leave me alone... i want to be alone. people. they always fuck things....... i always let them fuck things up. never anyone's fault but mine... i let them get inside of my head and fuck with it, because for some reason i want them to... but not really. it's just easier. you know that. influence. it's so easy to be influenced, especially when you don't know what it is that you want. maybe i should start small... maybe if i start small then the larger, more important things will follow. but with every word that leaves my mouth, it's like i erase the one before it. like there's only room for one word at a time. short. sentences. but none of that ever makes any sense, so i end up back at the beginning. there is always so mcuh pressure. to know what you want. to plan your whole life out. it's easy to get lost and forget about the little things, or the big things or anything at all for that matter. because of that pressure. i crack under pressure. did you know that? not so much crack as... cease existence. turn off. so you see, it's so easy to forget what it is that you want... because everyone is always pressuring you to want things. like college or an opinion or ice cream sandwhiches... and i shouldn't be thinking about this, i should be thinking about the problem at hand, but am i... avoiding the subject? who knows. i don't feel like i am. how am i suppose to make a descision when i don't know what i want? you have to start somewhere, and somewhere happens to be halfway accross the world where i abandoned myself before birth.

everyone just wants to be loved. I just want to be loved.