071520042051 -

it's amazing how the brain can react in certain situations. it does amazing things that you really have no control over, because they are pure survival mechanisms. for instance, earlier i had a sort of anxiety attack, but afterwards... i felt totally detached. like i wasn't even inside of my body. i was staring at this dot on the wall - it looked sort of like a crack, where the ceiling and the wall meet - and i realized that i wasn't even inside of my own body. it was one of the most amazing feelings i have ever experienced. of course, i had no control over myself while experiencing this sensation, and sort of just shut off - a thing i normally do when confronted with certain feelings, especially anxiety. but this time it went above and beyond anything i had ever felt before. amazing.

extreme emotion also activates brain activity - probably liked to another sort of survival mechanism, somehow. after the initial shock, everything finally seems clear... everything makes sense. i become extremely calm, detached and pensive... thoughts become decontaminated, and i am finally able to think clearly again - something i seem to have lost under normal circumstances. i believe my normal lack of thought is also linked to brain survival, since it had been through so much trauma in such a short amount of time before, that it just shut down and focuses on as little as possible now. if that made any sense. whatever.

so anyway, during my moment of clarity, it became sickeningly obvious how much i depend on other people's thoughts and opinions to modify my own. something i was sort of aware of before, but never paid too much attention to. i am so easily influenced by others that it's sick. so i decided to take a break from everything, and spend as little time with others as possible. god knows if i'll stick to it - probably not. baby steps. baby. steps. maybe eventually i'll be able to think clearly again - maybe not. whatever. it's definitely worth a try. shelly is also in tune with the fact that i need this, and she wrote about it in her notebook before i ever mentioned it to her. that's because shelly is always in tune with everything.

i don't know if anything i just wrote made sense, but i don't care. it's all for me.

i might actually take this public thing down and start writing on a word processor or something. i don't know. we'll see.